It is that time of the year where we get all pensive and reflect on the last year. 2018 has been difficult at times but I have had some of the best moments as well. The start of the year saw me in a relationship which at the time felt like it was going to last forever, and I thought I was happy. Turns out I was wrong on both counts. It took the breakdown of that relationship for me to realise how poorly being with that person was making me. My anxiety was at an all-time high and because of the way it ended it was really going to knock my confidence and self-esteem.
But then came the months following that where I started to piece myself back together and became the “old” me, I started taking care of myself again, I chopped my hair, eating properly, and being less self-deprecating than usual. It sounds silly, but I started taking more selfies because I was happy with the person that was looking back at me. She was sassy and confident and wasn’t blaming herself for the relationship ending.
I went to see 30 Seconds to Mars with my “work sister” Kennedy, who is just the sweetest gem. It was a bit of an odd setting for the gig; a car park on the Quayside, but nonetheless Jared Leto was a beauty to behold.
At some point in Mayish I decided that I wanted to get back out there in the world of “dating” then came the hellish task of swiping through the creeps and sifting through the Dickbags, which seemed to inundate Tinder.
Then one morning, I got a message from Jean with a really hilarious Dad joke in…I was adamant to not jump in with both feet, guard my heart so that I wouldn’t get hurt. Towards the end of June, we went on our first date. He turned up with my favourite flowers and chocolates. I literally saw him and mentally said “oh no” not in bad way. It just felt right, and it all fit into place. Our date was cut short and he was so understanding. I think I knew then really, and it sounds daft.
He was living in Middlesbrough at the time, so he would come up and see me as often as he could. I’m not saying the start of our relationship was all sunshine and roses because we have really fought to stay together despite everything that was thrown our way. I think that has made us stronger (despite me having my nervousnelle moments) because we have chosen to be together in spite of all the things that were trying to pull us apart. We were both looking for new places to live at the time, so we thought balls to it, lets move into together. We found our little flat and I am honestly so happy. He has met all my family, and they love him. I feel completely different with him then I have with anyone. He just gets it. I don’t have to pretend with him. I still have those self-sabotaging moments where because of things in the past I am convinced that he would rather be with anyone else than me. Where “nervousnelle” works her way in and tries to ruin everything. But he is the sweetest and best egg ever.
In between all the stresses of moving, I left my job. I had been there 6 years. I was terrified of going somewhere new. I honestly never thought I would do it but somehow I did. I mean it stayed pretty much until the shop shut that day even though I finished earlier. I just couldn’t bare to walk out. I still go see the girls when I can because at one point I saw them more than my own family.
I got to go see Wicked again!!! It was like the 5th time of something ridiculous like that. I didn’t cry this time but I still sang along quietly and imagined that it was me up there singing defying gravity.
We were in our little home, settled and I had my Billy bookcases everything was going to plan and then the Cyst came. It sucked being bed ridden for a month, just feeling pathetic and useless. I could not have done it with Jean and my family. They helped me out so much. I am doing loads better, everything is all healed and it’s like a distant memory.
So despite all the anxiety attacks, days where I haven’t wanted to leave my bedroom and face other humans there have been some really good times amongst it all. I got to spend Christmas with Jean and my family, we ate all the food and forced my Dad to endure Mary Poppins and Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. It was a lovely day.
Saying that if you are anything like me and self-critical to a point of damaging proportions it can be quite difficult to navigate this time of year. I mean it was only last night that I lay in bed till like 2am, attacking myself for not sticking to my resolutions for this year.
So, I have decided to leave this year and go into the next with a new state of mind, where I try and focus on the positive instead of letting the negative “nervousnelle” thoughts take over.
I have decided to call them “goals” instead of resolutions this year in an attempt at making myself feel less shit if I don’t stick to them.
A few of them are the usual and typical ones that you see in January for all the “New Year, New Me” crap but some of them are more related to my mental health and things I would just like to do. Then come this time next year we can all have a laugh at how I exercised like twice all year and still ate dairy like it doesn’t matter.
It has come to my attention recently (well not really, I knew this) but more people have noticed that my immediate reaction to stress, being overwhelmed, criticism, well life in general is to cry.
As we have seen this year, I cry in Ikea at the potential lack of a billy bookcase. I cry at Anime, TV, I nearly cried because I spilled my drink on my bed the other day. The thing is though I really want to learn some better strategies to cope and cry only when completely necessary. I know I am a very highly sensitive person, but I want to not let me emotions take charge.
I say it every year since I left University that I would pay off my overdraft and credit card but this year I want to be able to save for a house, holidays. Just be able to not worry about money. I really want to learn to drive this year, I started last year but never continued because well life, but this is the year I at least achieve that.
I have a gazillion pins on Pinterest and lists in notebooks of things to do in order to stop letting my anxiety getting the better of me. 2019 is the year that I intend to do some of this shit on those lists. Actually, practice what I preach…take some time out for myself, whether it be stepping away from social media for a day, running myself a bath, putting a facemask on. Just do something where I can check in with me. As part of this resolution, I referred myself to Talking Therapies so I can work on my mental health and I am not ashamed in asking for help.
I have started about 3 of these in the last year, my issue is that I am a little bit of a control freak and perfectionist, so I start then I make a mistake then I refuse to continue in a journal that is all sorts of wrong in my mind.
I have to start learning that mistakes are apart of life by God knows I have made a tonne; a wiggly line instead of a straight line isn’t the end of the world.
Post more consistently. Remind myself why I am doing this. I may not be as big as some other bloggers. I may not have as many views or PR stuff but as long as people find the content, I put out relatable, it helps, makes them laugh or smile that’s all I care about. I have some stuff that I want to try out on here so your support is really appreciated. Thanks you for sticking with me.
Nor lose weight per say
But I want to exercise more I feel like everyone has this ‘New Year New Me’ mentality and feeds into the toxic diet culture. The truth is though since my operation and having all the focus on my tummy, having people prod and poke it. I have really become aware of it. I would just like to jiggle less haha, plus because I work in an office now and I’m not on my feet for 10 hours a day. I just want to be more active. Not only that I only have one body and I have been taking it for granted a little (a lot), like eating all the dairy and not giving two hoots when I know it makes me poorly.
So I have dug my fit bit out, I still need to charge but even I get my 10,000 steps in a day it is a start.
It is always a toughie addressing this but this year I have really come to realise that sometimes some people you think are great, totally there for you are just toxic to your mental and physical health. I used to wind myself up about acting and looking a certain way or being too afraid to tell someone NO.
Next year, I will not let those “types” of people into my life because I got really really sick, worse than I had been for along time and it left me like an empty shell with the worst self esteem and being so ridiculously insecure in myself.
So if you are still reading my long winded waffle, thank you for all the support and I hope you can stick around for more inevitable stories of me crying in some shop about something.